Strtracer
05-28-2005, 12:36 PM
POOPING AT WORK - SURVIVAL GUIDE
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing
poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually
a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not
panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked
away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being
caught doing the:
WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use
of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work
and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper
enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always
look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering
the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers
who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom mmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper,as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is
empty.This benefits you ass well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom,leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound
Bus.Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor
cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a
CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive
when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing
poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually
a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not
panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant
the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked
away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being
caught doing the:
WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the
door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use
of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work
and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper
enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always
look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering
the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers
who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE
CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom mmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel
a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of
loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper,as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is
empty.This benefits you ass well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom,leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound
Bus.Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor
cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a
CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.